


Not for the faint of heart

by molotovcakes



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M, Shower Sex, dis mentioned - Freeform, dwalin mentioned - Freeform, ends with cuddles, failed shower sex, not be attempted, shower sex should just
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-17
Updated: 2016-07-17
Packaged: 2018-07-24 12:22:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7508128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/molotovcakes/pseuds/molotovcakes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thorin and Bilbo attempt shower sex. It does not go as planned.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not for the faint of heart

How had he not seen this coming? Really it should have been obvious, but he supposed they said hindsight was 20/20 for a reason. And Bilbo was, if nothing else, the master of hindsight. In that he seemed to always find himself doing something he might regret later and then wondering why the hell he thought it was a good idea. But really he should have realised that their cramped little shower would not mix well with sex of all things. But here he found himself, lying in bed wet and sore in all the wrong ways.

Things had started off normally enough. Thorin had come home from work early that night, saying he couldn't stand thinking of Bilbo home all alone just waiting to be ravished, which he emphasised by kissing along Bilbo's neck, though that only earned him a huff and roll of the eyes. Really as if he'd be so easily convinced, and by such a silly statement no less. Honestly who even says ravished anymore? It was more likely that he'd been forced to come home early by Dis because she knew he'd been working too hard lately. Bilbo would have to remember to thank her.

Regardless, food was in the slow cooker and he had to admit that he'd been a bit pent up all day. Not to mention the soft kisses being pressed against his neck did feel nice. He would think about it later, but at that moment he had a very handsome man to attend to.

Things were going very well as they stumbled into their bedroom, kissing like teens who were finally given the house to themselves. Thorin's hands grabbed his loves ass as Bilbo pressed him up against the wall. They parted so Bilbo could work on covering him with beautiful marks, listening to the small sounds that would escape Thorin's lips. He absolutely hated to stop but he had to see what they were planning to do tonight.

“Thorin?” Bilbo murmured against his neck, Thorin hummed in reply. Bilbo pecked his collar gently, “I need to know what you'd like to do hun because if you'd like a bit more than a quickie,” he paused and laid his hands on top Thorin's and squeezed, “you'll need to give me a few minutes.” Thorin rested his jaw on top of Bilbo's head as he thought. Bugger. He might be short but he wasn't a head rest. Bilbo huffed in annoyance and nipped Thorin in protest. He laughed and removed his head.

“I think we deserve a bit more than a quickie. After all I am supposed to ravish you, remember?” Bilbo laughed

“Oh yes how could I forget. Well wait right there I'll only be a few minutes.” And there began the end of it all. 

Bilbo really should have known better than to trust Thorin Durin to be patient. Usually he doesn't take more than a few minutes in the shower but the warm water had felt so sinful against his skin. He must have taken too long because sure as hell Thorin came walking into the bathroom and then into the shower. Really in the end this was all his fault.

“Thorin what are you doing? The shower isn't big enough for both of us. It's barely big enough for one of us” The last part was grumbled more to himself then anything. Thorin chuckled and nuzzled up to him, pressing his face into his neck and whispering at an octave that couldn't be legal.

“You were taking too long.” His hands warping around Bilbo, who huffed and turned his head to look at the taller man currently keeping him prisoner.

“Alright, well I'm done so lets go.” Thorin, however, didn't release him. “Thorin?” He snuggled further into Bilbo's neck.

“I thought we could stay here.”

“Here.”

“Yes.”

“In the shower? Thorin we can barely fit in the shower how are we supposed to have sex in it? With out any lube to boot!” Thorin chuckled,

“It'll be fine. I brought it with me and Dwalin says shower sex is some of the best he's ever had. And besides,” he moved closer to Bilbo, pressing his hips against the smaller man in a very suggestive manner, “It's not as if we need that much room.” Looked like the water wasn't the only thing feeling sinful anymore. “Besides,” He whispered, “It'll be an adventure.”

“Well, alright I can't see what could go wrong.”

Apparently a lot. Bilbo and his very bruised chest would just like to say adventures could go fuck themselves.

To begin with someone was always cold since it was impossible for both of them to completely fit under the shower head and even when they tried it just resulted in kissing that felt too much like swimming for comfort. Hand jobs were uncomfortable because the water created a painful amount of friction, blow jobs were, essentially, drowning or freezing, and water was not lube friendly. But they were both much too stubborn for their own good and they we're going to make it work damn it!

Thorin had finally managed to properly prepare Bilbo, who was freezing his ass off, but god almighty they were going to do this or die trying. Apparently it was die trying because just as Thorin was standing up he slipped on the wet floor and knocked Bilbo off balance resulting in him slammed chest first into the edge of the tub. And that was the end of that. After a few minutes of Bilbo reassuring that yes he was okay they dragged themselves out of the shower, mood thoroughly destroyed, dried off and flopped onto the bed in a disappointed heap. 

And there they were now.

“Well that could have gone better” Thorin said, dragging his hand down his face, Bilbo let out a small sigh. 

“Well I don't suppose it could have gone worse” Thorin hummed,

“It could have been your face instead of your chest” 

“That is true.” Bilbo chuckled 

“You're sure you're alright?” Bilbo turned to look at Thorin

“I promise I'm perfectly fine, just a bit sore.” He made a point of smiling a bit. Thorin seemed to accept his answer and opened his arms in invitation. Bilbo smiled and moved closer, allowing himself to be wrapped in his arms, and wrapping his around Thorin in return. Well they may not have done what they wanted but this was nice.

“Thorin?”

“Yes?”

“Never listen to Dwalin again” Thorin laughed and curled his arms tighter.

“I can do that.”

Yes, yes this was very nice indeed.

**Author's Note:**

> And there ends my first fanfic on here! I haven't written fanfic in four years and have never written for these characters but I hope you enjoyed it!


End file.
